Secrets of Another Life

Through My Eyes.

Wed, 13 Feb 2013 13:29:00 -0700

He is the one person to whom I can empty out

All the contents of my heart to,

Aware that I can trust him

And having the knowledge that

The gentlest of hands will take the contents,

Sieve through it,

Keep what is worth keeping,

And drive the rest away with a breath of compassion.

The calm that can only be obtained through this

Will envelop me lovingly

And I know that I have a true friend -

My savior, my champion

The one that will take me into his arms

And guard me with his life.

I think I wrote this sometime in middle school when I had the biggest crush on him. It’s strange to know that I’ve forgotten this feeling and four years later, here I am, feeling the exact same way all over again.

Never Give Up. Yiruma - River Flows In You

Wed, 13 Feb 2013 01:00:00 -0700

Never Give Up.

Yiruma - River Flows In You

What Do You See Out There?

Wed, 13 Feb 2013 00:00:54 -0700

What Do You See Out There?

"Each morning when I open my eyes I say to myself: I, not events, have the power to make me happy or..."

Tue, 12 Feb 2013 23:00:47 -0700

“Each morning when I open my eyes I say to myself: I, not events, have the power to make me happy or unhappy today. I can choose which it shall be. Yesterday is dead, tomorrow hasn’t arrived yet. I have just one day, today, and I’m going to be happy in it.”

- Groucho Marx

Possibilities. It’s halfway to the end of my senior year...

Tue, 12 Feb 2013 22:00:00 -0700

Possibilities.

It’s halfway to the end of my senior year and I find myself looking forward instead of back for once. It’s strange, this feeling of overcoming depression. I find myself awake instead of in that coma devoid of life and clarity.

This doesn’t go to show that I’m completely happy and free from it. Depression weighs down on me. I keep taking pills to regulate my awful mood swings. I have to watch myself at all times on how I treat the people I care about. It’s still hard.

However, I have very little problems. I’m doing something I thought was impossible to do. I’m progressing. I know what I want and I have a clear view of how to get there. I’m not on the cliff anymore. The fog has lifted and it’s turned into a plateau.

First, I found a boy. Well, not found, but I’ve opened my heart up to one. I never thought something like this could happen. Love was always secondary to me. Now look where I am, learning how to kiss and ~~make love~~ and trust someone for a change. I gave him something I thought was gone forever and I have no regrets. I started to see him as an equal and he treats me in a way that I never thought I would deserve to be treated, let alone actually cared for in that way. He is the one and only person who can lift me up when I’m down, as cliche as that sounds.

He’s becoming more and more involved in my life to the point where I’m suffering from withdrawals not being around him. Of course, this is the honeymoon stage, but he’s already my best friend and someone I am confident I can spend the rest of my life with, or at least a substantial amount of time. Four and more years can attest to that. I guess I’m going a little boy crazy for him. (And here I thought I was a Type C asexual by the Wikipedia definition.)

Secondly, I am starting to find myself comfortable in my own home. I’m having more faith in myself and my fingers are brushing upon the path of God. Faith is something I’ve always been lacking. My experiences have not encouraged the envelopment of this trait in me. I’m not sure if I have motivation, but something is different every time I wake up in the morning. I’m happy to greet the new day.

Maybe this is all because I’m soon to get a taste of freedom along with all the responsibilities I already bear. I’m an adult now and I can control my path and make my own choices for me. I never thought I would even live this long as sincere as I was when I said I wouldn’t live past high school so many years ago as an elementary school student. I’m glad that I stayed alive long enough to get here and meet the people I have. I’m glad to have had the experiences and beliefs that make me the person I am. I’m glad I can be me, and I’m glad that the definition of me cannot be defined with the infinite paths and choices I can and will take.

im sorry i couldn't make everything better when i had the chance.

Tue, 12 Feb 2013 21:00:00 -0700

Don’t be sorry and thank you for caring. Every experience I’ve ever had has made me into the person I am today and while my life isn’t perfect, I’m happy to have overcome the challenges I faced. I hope to continue having this mindset in the future.

A Pokémon Love Poem.

Sun, 08 Jul 2012 00:21:34 -0600

Like Charmander’s fire, my love for you grows;

We’d never fail like Team Rocket, we are the best doduo.

This love is stronger than a sudowudo;

We’re too good at not changing main characters like yu-gi-oh.

Are you a Pikachu? Cus’ you struck me with a thundershock.

It was super effective, just like Ash, Misty, and Brock!

“Gotta catch them all!” But you are the only one I need!

Even in Brawl Pokemon defeats them all.

Check my Pokedex, yea I see a text from you-

Text back “I love you more than Pikachu!”

You’re so stunning, I need a Paralyze heal,

I’m sure you know exactly how I feel.

The first time I saw you, you caught my eye.

You’re a Shiny Pidgy, you are so fly!

Another poem another ex-boyfriend wrote. It’s cute and immature, just like our short relationship was. Still, I’m somewhat fond of it. Enjoy. c:

- June 22, 2012 This turned out to be a two voice poem. I tried...

Tue, 26 Jun 2012 00:03:00 -0600

- June 22, 2012

This turned out to be a two voice poem. I tried my best to type it like it was written on a strategically folded piece of paper, and here is the result. Read it straight down or go from left to right. Which version do you prefer?

Harder.

Sun, 17 Jun 2012 04:11:00 -0600

We’ll be friends in the future.

This, I know.

However, I’m sad

That I have to let this go.

Maybe tomorrow,

I can smile,

But for now,

Let me frown for a while.

You were as close to normal

As I’ve ever gotten.

I’m sorry that it turned out so rotten.

I have good memories

Of the times we shared.

It hurts the most to know

Your feelings are no longer there.

I knew I was a wreck

And you shined so bright.

It wouldn’t have worked,

But I wish you did try.

- June 17, 2012

Photo

Sun, 17 Jun 2012 03:53:00 -0600

Hello, Again.

Sat, 07 Apr 2012 16:02:00 -0600

The feeling of your hands on my skin.

Brings forth a terror from within.

The monster you mold.

Can no longer be controlled.

Painted face with a painted smile.

I’ll just sit here for a while.

Clowns that laugh as they speak.

Crying is only for the weak.

I was too young.

To feel what I felt.

But too old not to know.

When you took off your belt.

Those hands that held me down.

And stifled my screams.

The eyes of the animals.

Who stole all my dreams.

You tore me in two.

More times than I can count.

You used my body.

I was nothing but a mount.

But what can I say?

It’s hard to forget.

I’ve found my own way.

You’ve seen nothing, yet.

Dare to desecrate what was mine?

Sorry, dear. You’ve just run out of time.

- April 02, 2012

Reflection.

Wed, 04 Apr 2012 20:31:00 -0600

She looked at herself in the mirror and all she saw were unfamiliar eyes. She stared at this mysterious girl that seemed to have taken possession of her reflection and saw so many qualities people overlooked. This girl worked so hard to accomplish everything and always came up short. She smiled like everything was okay and talked like there was nothing wrong, but what goes through her mind will always be a mystery to shield those around her from the pain. She did not want pity. She had to do everything by herself. She was independent and strong-willed, but night always brought about the tears flowing down her cheeks. People around her would tell her she was smart, annoying, anything of small detail and then move on, not bothering to look further. If they had, she would not reveal it willingly, but they might find more within her hidden soul. This girl had no one that would ever completely know her and who she is. She will always be just the unfamiliar eyes in the mirror while the body walks out the door. Always.

I saw her again, the girl in the mirror. She was sitting on the edge. Every harsh word and every beating wind brought her closer and closer to permanently breaking. She was crumbling. The mirror was cracking into dangerous slivers of despair. The only one she can cling to is me, but I cannot be there. I see her falling and I can do nothing. I pity her, I am angered by her. She cannot save herself no matter how hard she tries, like all else she does. She is weak. She is mean. She is nothing like she once was, like so many have told me. She is useless. But, she is helpless. And so am I. When she breaks, I will also shatter.

I wrote this on September 20, 2009. I was thirteen. It’s eerie that I feel I’ve changed so much, yet I still feel the exact same thing. Am I forever in this perpetual state of nothingness? It seems so precarious, but how unstable can it be when I’ve felt this way all these years? (Previously titled Always. The Girl in the Mirror.)

Angels.

Wed, 04 Apr 2012 09:57:00 -0600

My chances weren’t good she was way out of my reach, how could she fall for some ol boy like me, every night i see her lieing next to me, thinking that she couldn’t be really here but here she lies asleep in these arms of mine, that goes to show angels fall sometimes,

shes been here long enough to see that im no saint by now…every morning i wake up surprised to find her still around, the love she gives to me could be no truer sign, every now and then angels fall sometimes,

she brings pieces of heaven everyday into my life, shes been my inspiration, with her by my side, im not afraid to dream high

A poem my ex-boyfriend wrote. I really liked it. It was the first thing anyone ever wrote for me.

Then again, he did cheat on me with my best friend. So I’m not sure how sincere this actually is. And the grammar, spelling, and punctuation don’t have much to applaud.

But yeah. While I’m bitter about the infidelity, I do like this poem a lot.<3

Politics: The Most Effective Method of Inspiring Irritation and...

Wed, 07 Mar 2012 19:01:00 -0700

Politics: The Most Effective Method of Inspiring Irritation and Argument.

While I am very aware of the goal of this, I do have to assert my opinion that it is misguided and the way we’re going about it is wrong. This issue has been going on for almost thirty years and now we care with the introduction of a nicely done transitional video and retweet or reblog or share with our iPhones made from “metals mined on African soil with the same exploitation of children” as my very wise and equally critical friend pointed out. We are only aware of the Ugandan children we are “saving” because it has spawned and morphed into something we see everyday and in a large mass. In other words, we see it splattered everywhere on our Facebook walls and therefore we are “concerned” because the rest of the world apparently is as well. How many of you can even point out Uganda on a map? And it gives you a sense of superiority because it is “for a cause” and a “righteous act.” This is not concern. Those of you who truly believe in the cause, I’m not criticizing you. But if you’re only here because you watched a pretty video that efficiently pointed out “the bad guy” in the eyes of a young child and are suddenly experts in spreading awareness and stopping “the next Hitler”, think again before feeling good about yourself. Even so, I have to state that it is rather effective as our youth is now aware. It evoked emotion and even I was touched by Jacob’s story. It is engaging, simplistic, and manipulative enough to keep the attention of impatient teenagers. The uniting against a common enemy angle is genius. I applaud the rhetoric behind it. Still, my irritation far outweighed my more tender feelings. It has also raised the desired awareness, and probably more so in order to support this cause and reach the goal. But are posters, red shirts, and kits too keep this cause alive really the right way to go about this? This sort of thing is happening everywhere. Do your research.

(I’m going to end here because I apologetically admit that I sound much like a supremacist myself but my disgust for this has overflowed with my patience with an overloaded news feed and this seemed like an appropriate place to put my rather irritated opinion. I am sincerely glad there is more awareness about this and gaining so much momentum, but really? People that truly support the cause, don’t argue over Facebook with the people who don’t. We all have different opinions. Just accept them and don’t lower yourselves to that level.)

“The Kony 2012 campaign will primarily succeed in making Invisible Children, not Joseph Kony, more famous. It will also make many, including P.Diddy, feel like they have contributed some good to his capture. For many in the conflict prevention community, including those who worry about the further militarization of Central Africa, this campaign is just another bad solution to a more difficult problem.”

Things Will Be As They Will. John Mayer - Clarity

Sat, 28 Jan 2012 19:06:00 -0700

Things Will Be As They Will.

John Mayer - Clarity

What It Means to Be Human.

Sat, 28 Jan 2012 18:57:00 -0700

What It Means to Be Human.

"This year, or this month, or, more likely, this very day, we have failed to practise ourselves the..."

Sat, 28 Jan 2012 18:31:00 -0700

“This year, or this month, or, more likely, this very day, we have failed to practise ourselves the kind of behaviour we expect from other people.”

- C.S. Lewis

Progress Report. As much as I hoped it would, things...

Sat, 28 Jan 2012 18:16:00 -0700

Progress Report.

As much as I hoped it would, things haven’t really changed. I’m just as insecure and just as unconfident about myself. Okay, maybe it’s a little better than that. I may still be insecure, but I am slightly more confident. I have a new school with new friends who have been endearing every moment I have met them. They have really made me feel like I’m a part of something. I’m also insecure because they are amazing people, and also because I’m still in the process of becoming closer to them. There is a bit of unwanted boy drama, but that’s the least of my worries. I want to be me first, able to stand on my own before I can make a decision to add a significant other into my life. I may be young and I may be lost, but I know what I want in regards to that.

Also, I haven’t been completely myself. As much as I adore my new friends, I miss my old ones terribly. And I haven’t been living with happiness in mind. I don’t want to just get through life. I want to be someone. Do something. I need to focus. Slowly, I’m starting to like who I am. But I need to relocate as soon as possible to be able to be myself. If I stay here, my will to change can be broken by just a glimpse of the past. For now, I have to retreat. That’s a dream for one day. No, it is a goal. I’m building up my strength so I can look back an face it. But I am changing. I’m taking control of my life. I can’t let him stop me anymore. I have to be strong. I promise myself I will do what I can.

And anyone who doesn’t know, it’s not a boyfriend or anything like that. It’s a monster. But I won’t be scared of the dark. I will look at the little things and enjoy the beauty of life. And I will let the world light up my bedside.

Inspiration to Soar. Kelly Clarkson - Breakaway

Sat, 18 Jun 2011 16:16:00 -0600

Inspiration to Soar.

Kelly Clarkson - Breakaway

Light the Spark of Your Dreams.

Sat, 18 Jun 2011 16:16:00 -0600

Light the Spark of Your Dreams.